For those of you who don’t know, or can’t tell from my blogs, I’m a DEADLY over-thinker. Every single little I do is over-thought into oblivion, before and after I’ve done it. So, I wanted to let y’all into the mind of me so you can see the kind of stuff I have to deal with from myself and my annoying lil brain every.single.day.
I’m not talking like over-thinking, “Omg does she hate me?” “Does this message sound too cheeky?” (the answers are normally “I don’t care” and “yes”). I mean like every single thing I do has to be planned and set out, and they have to happen in the way and order that me and myself agreed after much debate that they would.
I hate the word “perfectionist”, because like, that is such a back-handed insult if you’re talking about yourself. Like, “My biggest flaw is that I’m TOO amazing”, or, “My brilliance is EXHAUSTING”. My friends would probably say I’m a perfectionist but I know they’re just finding a nicer way of saying, “too fussy”. And that’s true, I’m WHILE fussy. Too goddamn fussy for my own good.
And I really wish I wasn’t, but I just can’t turn it off.
Every night before I go to bed, in my usual 2-hour routine of over-thinking before finally getting to sleep, I go over everything I did that day, and everything I’m going to do the next. That includes me planning what outfit I’m going to wear and what I’m going to have for breakfast, lunch and dinner, when I’ll go for my walk, when I’ll do my revision, when I’ll read etcetcetc.
I can’t just “wake up and see” what I “feel like” doing. Nope. I have a wee routine and I love it. Ya gal needs structure. Plus, I have to plan everything in advance because I’m desperate at making decisions, so if I “saw how I felt”, I’d spend an hour deliberating with myself about what it is that I’m actually “feeling”.
Is it any wonder I’m always KNACKERED?
My mind is constantly going. Like, I seriously can’t turn it off. I can’t just “chill” or “do nothing”, I have to be busy all the time and my mind will be equally as busy. Like, in films when people say, “What are you thinking about?” and the person goes, “Nothing”. HOW? Literally HOW can you manage to just put your mind to sleep? Tell me.
Ever get the way when you’re not using your computer and it goes to ‘sleep’? Everything just sort of sits still in the background, waiting for you to open it back up again, and in the mean time, the screen’s just black? Well, for me, instead of the screen going black, a wee screensaver comes on with a ping pong ball jumping about the screen, hitting wall to wall.
Entertaining to watch, but while tiring, lads.
Even wee small things like colouring in (my personal lockdown hobby of choice – I literally do nothing else but colour mandalas). I’ll genuinely spend about 10 minutes before I even put pencil to paper because I have to decide what colours I’m going to use. It goes a bit like this, “Okay, I’ll do that bit pink, so then that bit has to be green and then I can make that other wee bit purple… but wait, then THAT bit has to be pink too but it can’t be because it’s touching that other bit that’s pink and that won’t work.” [reflective pause] “Okay, so THAT bit will be pink so then that other bit can be pink and then that bit and that bit can be green and then the other bits can all be yellow”. “Yeah, that’ll work”.
Genuinely.
Doing assignments? Sweet Jesus, they’re even WORSE.
Ever get when you write a sentence and then think of another, better way to say it? Well, I’ll spend a full 20 minutes typing out a paragraph, then think of another way to say something, so I’ll copy and paste the whole paragraph just below, then I’ll reword the new paragraph, and compare the two (for around 4 minutes) and then delete the one that isn’t as good.
A lot of the time, I don’t even delete the worse one, I either move it to the bottom of the page in case I change my mind or paste it in a new document which is full of paragraphs which I’ve reworded in my assignment.
See this, THIS is why it takes me four weeks to do a 2,000 word essay.
And, I really wish I could care less. But, I honestly just can’t. If I can think of a better way to do something, then ya gal’s gotta do it. There is no, “Eugh, I can’t be bothered, that’ll do”. Nope. It’ll not “do” until I actually can’t think of a better way. Being like this wouldn’t be my preferred choice, but like, my brain kinda wears the trousers in the relationship that is my life.
To be fair, I’m happy with my life and I’m lucky that most of the time, my over-thinking has got me decent results (you should SEE some of the mandalas I’ve coloured in – no joke, could frame them and sell ‘em on Etsy).
So, yeah, I’m fussy. I’ll write revision notes and start a page all over again if I make a mistake or I don’t like the layout. If I’m rapping along to one of my bops and get a line wrong, I’ll restart the song. I’ll write five paragraphs all saying the same thing but in a ~slightly~ different way for an assignment. I’ll sit and plan out everything I do, down to what time I’ll have my shower at (5pm tonight in case you’re wondering).
But, hey, that’s me. Just gotta build a bridge and get over it. Plus, at least you’re not the one stuck with this carry on going on in your poor wee head.
freckles and thoughts 